


always just me here (crying alone at the end of the night)

by Parfaiti



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, I don't want to tag too much or it'll reveal plot twists, M/M, NOT DISCONTINUED I'M JUST SLOW, Plot Twists, but uh hERE, but uh ill prpbably post an alternate ending? idk, can i just say that it took me so long to find a starkid lyric that fits, first time attemping angst, i just realized that i have to tag its not a happy ending, i really need to tag efficiently, i think, idk - Freeform, this is really bad, writing this made me h u r t, yes i hath revived
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24390481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Parfaiti/pseuds/Parfaiti
Summary: Harry didn't know how whatever tiny thing he'd fought over led to this situation with Tom.He watched the right side of his bed, glowing from both the impromptu spotlight born from the moon and the glaring absence of a specific someone.Don't be delusional. We covered this already. Again and again....The sneaking out. The way he spaces out on the rare occasion that you actually spend time with him, smiling sappily just at the thought of the obvious someone he's seeing. The increasingly nonsensical excuses he gives.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Comments: 79
Kudos: 146
Collections: Harry Potter





	1. and i wonder what it is, how it is (that it's always just me here)

**Author's Note:**

> SLOW UPDATES !! BUT I STILL LOVE AND CHERISH THIS FIC
> 
> there will be an alternate ending so watch out for that when this fic is done !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this should be around 4-5 chapters-ish?

Harry stared at the empty room blankly.

_Heh. Empty. Blank._

Those words seemed to be summing up his life now. 

He watched the moonlight spilling into the room through the slightest crack in the blinds, saw the shadows expand and fill each corner of the bedroom. He watched the right side of his bed, glowing from both the impromptu spotlight born from the moon and the glaring absence of a specific someone. 

Harry vaguely wondered, in the back of his mind where it was free from the numbing sadness, what Tom was doing.

_You mean,_ who _Tom is doing._

Absentmindedly worrying his bottom lip, he leaned back onto the fluffy pillows and let his eyelids slide close. Just as well, according to his… boyfriend. Tom had always told him that his emotions were shown too obviously through his expressive eyes.

_What I’d do for him to nag at me, to even acknowledge me, no matter what it’s about-_

_You’re pathetic. A sad, pathetic being who’s so desperate that-_

_I know. But I’d rather be desperate than alone._  


Harry imagined that his eyes wouldn't quite be called expressive anymore; his dulled eyes, once so bright and vibrant, now seemed to convey nothing but tiredness of life, of how it fucked him over. 

Funny how everything came back to Tom, isn't it? 

Yes, he knew they fought sometimes, and yet the longest he'd expect Tom to stay mad at him over whatever tiny issue they'd exploded over this time was a month. 

It had been two months since they'd fought. Tom still ignored him, still brushed him off silently when Harry tried to ask why he was doing so. 

____

_Maybe he gave up on you. Just woke up one day._

_But why hasn't he broken up with me already?

...

He must still care about me-

Don't be delusional. We covered this already. Again and again. 

...

The sneaking out. The way he spaces out on the rare occasion that you actually spend time with him, smiling sappily just at the thought of the obvious someone he's seeing. The increasingly nonsensical excuses he gives.

I- I used to be able to make him smile like that...

Used to, darling. He’s lost interest and moved on.

But-_

__

__

_Hope hurts, sweetheart. You know the truth as well as I do._

  


Tom’s favorite pet names, said so scathingly, evoked a brief stab of pain cutting through the numbness. 

_That was low._

The slight click of footsteps on wooden floors reached Harry, and he slowly sank himself under the blankets, turning over and feigning sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi world! *waves* i've pretty much been absent in ao3,,, um oops ? anyways, i hope you enjoyed this (bleh nobody did it was either bad or it hurt your heart :<) i have a couple of ideas for but i'm always up for any suggestions or musings! feel free to talk to me in the comments <3
> 
> *NOTE: voldemort doesn't exist in this world (nor magic) so just clearing that up :)*


	2. maybe he's happy (i wouldn't have any idea)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tom comes home and harry finally comes to terms with something, with a side of flashbacks and random thing about tom's cologne that i came up with because why not
> 
> i need to not write summaries when i'm tired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm not dead.  
> take that as what you will lmao
> 
> a... filler chapter? *sweats* what do you meeeeaaaan?

He felt the faint light outside wash over him. The bedroom door creaked the slightest bit as Tom slipped in the room. 

Keeping his eyes shut, Harry noticed in the back of his mind Tom showering and changing, then approaching the bed. Harry carefully slowed his breathing, feeling the other sliding in the bed with practiced ease, as if trying not to wake him up at all costs.

__

_Certainly practiced._

Tom’d done this for the past few weeks now, coming in late and sneaking out in the early morning.

Apparently, he’d forgotten that sneaking around Harry never worked.

No, Harry was too attuned to him, every part of his being always too painfully aware of Tom.

Tom went to the very edge of the bed, the furthest he could be from Harry, but not before Harry noticed something.

Harry stopped breathing for a second.

__

_You idiot, you’re going to give it away._

His heart stopped as he tried to process what he had smelt. Tom’s regular, distinctive cologne that screamed “rich politician, mess with me and you’ll regret it” was… overshadowed with one. A much more pleasant, almost caramel scent.

Tom _never_ changed his cologne. Ever.

__

_Never say never, darling._

__

_Don't-_

__

_It obviously can’t be the other person's perfume or cologne. Firstly, they’d definitely been fucking for longer than this. Plus, he believes that you are asleep whenever he sneaks back home at night and therefore wouldn’t take the time to conceal the scent for such a long time and just starting now. Second, it’s-_

__

_I don’t want to hear it. I don’t- Shut up. Shut_ up.

Memories flashed through his head; giggling, exaggerated sniffing-

“It smells like something a stuffy prat like Malfoy would wear!” Harry exclaimed, laughing.

Tom raised an eyebrow at him. “That’s the point, sweetheart. I _have_ to prove to them that I'm as good as them. They don’t see it yet, but they will-”

Warm smiles, sunshine, home, love-

“What? You don’t like it, then? Maybe you should try smelling it again.”

“I- well- not really, but-” Harry stuttered, face going red as Tom leaned closer to him under the guise of letting him sniff the velvety scent. 

He wrinkled his nose in laughter and pushed Tom away, the taller man consenting to the action but jokingly acting hurt. 

“Oh, woe is me,” Tom snarked. “Pushed away, rejected!”

Harry rolled his eyes. He allowed Tom to pull him close for “a proper kiss this time, darling, don’t tease me- mphm” and basked in contentment.

_Nononoithurts, stop-_

Surprise hugs, deep conversations at midnight, cuddles-

_Coldness, pain, whyareyoudoingthistome, empty beds, imissyou-_

_You idiot, stop getting sidetracked. If you’re going to start hyperventilating or shit, do it when it doesn’t blow your cover. We know he never changes it.  
Not for you, anyways._

_Maybe he didn’t change it! It’s probably just the other person’s rubbed off on him-

Didn’t you hear me? I said that it couldn’t be the other person’s. Plus, even if it was, it still adds to him cheating on you. You’re acknowledging that there is another person.  
Why do you keep on doing this? Lying to yourself?

Because… I’ll have nothing otherwise. I gave up my family, my friends, for him. I thought that- that he’s all I need.  
So… he is with someone.

Finally.

Maybe I’m selfish. Is it so wrong to just want him to love me?

He doesn’t love you. Maybe he never did.  
You’d rather him suffer staying with you than letting him go?

But-

You and I both knew it was a matter of time before he found someone new. Someone better. 

_

Harry’d always disliked Tom’s cologne. He'd just thought of it as one of those quirks he had to live with when he chose to date the man, but-

It wasn't really just the cologne; no, the scent in itself was fine. It was just what it represented, of Tom’s ambition of being “better”, of being more like the almost aristocratic, arrogant politicians such as Malfoy and Lestrange. It was his reluctance to fully give up his ambitions and pride for Harry, and-

__

_And this person is clearly much more important than you’ve ever been for him to have changed the one little thing he didn't want to change for you._

Harry lay there, listening to Tom’s breathing starting to even out and slow, the number of slight rustles of sheets decreasing. He couldn’t help but sneak a look at his… boyfriend… ex-boyfriend?

His hair, always carefully brushed and styled, was slightly mussed. His eyes were closed, and his lips were curved up just a little bit as his arms wrapped around a pillow. The slight moonlight filtered through the curtains pulled shut, highlighting his cheekbones. Tom Riddle looked like an ethereal angel. One in love.

Harry wished he could be there in his arms, wished he was still the one. He wanted- wanted to hate Tom. Wanted to hate whoever else he was seeing. Wanted to hate everyone else, because- 

_No. He’s happy; you can clearly see it. Don’t ruin this for him._

Because it would be so much easier than hating himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so- hi all! yes, yes, so apparently this isn't abandoned- honestly, i was going to.
> 
> i tried so hard to get this chapter to 1k, but figured: "sCreW iT iMA jUST poST"  
> but!!! yall should applaud me!! this is probably the most i've ever written for a chapter, oneshot or otherwise.
> 
> ah- so-
> 
> next chapter is the morning! of a verrrryyyy special day-  
> o-o 
> 
> i was going to say "something happens in the next chapter" but like, no shit sherlock, obviously things happen-


	3. october (two thousand thirteen)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> can i just not write one  
> im tired
> 
> k thanks  
> check chapter notes for tw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight im back  
> sorry for the late monthly chapter yall,,, stanning block men takes a chunk out of your time
> 
> "SHIT BRO LET’S GET THIS ANGST" - h
> 
> tw: suicidal thoughts + attempt
> 
> also this is in october because yes

Harry's eyelids fluttered slightly. His eyebrows drawing together in a yawn, he rolled over instinctively to the left side of the bed. His sleep-fuzzied brain comprehended the reason for the emptiness there a second later than it computed the absence of a specific warm body.

_Oh. Right._

__

_Why do you do this every time?_

_I- shut up. I don't have the energy to deal with you._

_Or to deal with anything, at this point._

_I’m so fucking tired…_

Harry slowly sat up, trying to resist the urge of curling into a tight ball and covering himself with the blankets. Tom’s warmth was gone, anyways. To do so was just going to provide more of a reminder of his lack of presence.

A small beep to his side made Harry glance over to see- oh. It was four in the morning.

__

_And he’s gone, like usual._

Stumbling out of bed, he walked over to pull the blinds open. Dull light shone through and Harry sighed, looking out at the muted, grey sky. He was preparing to go downstairs to make a cup of hot tea-

_How am I so cold-_

When something caught his eye.

Harry had the habit to often forget important things and dates; he’d bought calendars to mark special days, such as birthdays and- and anniversaries. 

_Giggling, Harry shoved Tom aside as the latter attempted to draw big, red, scribbly circles over a specific date every year, both laughing hard._

Right. It was October 3rd… 2020.

Their seven year anniversary.

__

_Well, at least he put up with you for seven years._

_An accomplishment, truly._

_He’s… gone._

_No shit,_ sweetheart.

Harry didn’t even react to the pet name.

_On our anniversary._

_Our seventh anniversary._

_I- Oh._

Maybe he had, for some reason, just clung on to the date. Tom was always so superstitious, always firmly believed in this number and-

And Harry just thought that maybe he would mean more, that _they_ , the two of them, would mean more to Tom because of that special number. Tom had jokingly quipped about proposing when they were 

_Get me out. I don’t want to do this anymore._

__

_What, did you just think this was some sort of nightmare you could wake up from?_

_Get me out- stop this- it- it hurts-_

__

_Well-_

Harry felt his tears slide down to the cold tiled floor- _wait, when did I end up on the floor- is this the kitchen-_ as he sobbed hard- _I don’t recall crying-_ with tears blurring up his already unclear vision.

_I guess that if it ends, you won’t have to hurt any longer._

_And I know you’re hurting._

He spotted his spectacles laying crookedly near the couch, squinting to see the black frames a few feet from him.

_Why are my glasses there? Did I- did I throw them? They look almost shattered-_

_What’s happening?_

__

_Shh. Go to sleep._

_**What’s happening?**_

_You can’t deal with this right now, so I’ll help you._

_You want this to all end, right?_

_Yes-_

_There you go._

_No, no, don’t struggle._

_You’re safe, you see? You can’t hurt now._

_It won’t hurt now._

_It’s not like there’s anything living for anyways._

_You’ve been avoiding admitting to yourself, but you know, don’t you?_

_You know you’re worthless._

Harry felt numb as he watched his own arm unscrew the lid of a jar.

__

_Just get rid of yourself._

He tilted it back, pouring the white pills into his palm-

__

_Nobody wants you anyways._

He distantly felt the tears slide down his cheeks as he brought his hand closer and closer and closer and-

_Wait- no. No. No, no, no stop please stop I don’t want to die please no stop please no stop p-_

“ _STOP_ ,” Harry sobbed, throwing the jar far away from him.

It made a clunk five feet away as he shook his hand frantically, not wanting to hold the meds for any longer.

A choked noise made him almost panic until he realized it came from himself. His airway feeling clogged and his eyesight still blurry, he collapsed on a chair nearby.

_What- what do I- what do I do?_

His heart was still pounding. _Good._

_Breathe._

After what seemed an eternity of taking deep breaths, each movement reminding him that he was alive, Harry swallowed hard and stood up.

_I can’t do this. You’re right._

_I… I need to get away._

He wanted to forget. He wanted to live. He wanted-

_Tom._

_Tom, with his stupid little smirk when he got what he wanted. Tom, when he would sometimes suddenly pull Harry into a cuddle out of nowhere and make Harry’s heart melt. Tom, who-_

No. No. He wasn’t- he wasn’t going to go down that path again. 

Harry walked around the house, still light-headed. He didn’t want to focus. Focusing meant it would bring back the pain. 

He needed… his phone. Glasses. And money. Just to get by. And then he’d call his friends the next day- whoever didn’t hate him or was driven apart by Tom, that is. 

_I’ll figure it out tomorrow. For now, though-_

Harry looked around the house, gritted his teeth, and opened the door. Turning, he shut it and locked it. 

He threw the keys somewhere. He didn’t care where. 

_I'm leaving and I'm not coming back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tom's pov next!! yall hyped or what
> 
> ((it's or what))
> 
> yall would probably have to wait a month and a half ngl but i mean at the same time haley would murder me so


End file.
